Re: Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee

**10art1** Fri 20 Jun 2008, 08:09

once kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris once showed up at Google and demanded that they rename their search engine "Chuck Norris." When they refused, Chuck kicked Google in the face, transforming it's bruise into Google Dark.

Chuck Norris affects the price of stock quotes and land values. Wherever he is, prices drop due to the danger of a sudden catastrophe. He bought his own home for 30 cents and one roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris once taught a class called "Ass Kicking 101". There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

The Big Bang was actually Chuck Norris kicking God in the face.

Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norrised.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

**10art1** Fri 20 Jun 2008, 08:20

Somewhere in Hong Kong -- In the basement of a supposedly abandoned warehouse, an illicit tournament reaches its climax. Hundreds of spectators jam the seats, all shouting at once, as bookmakers roam the aisles carrying fistfuls of a dozen currencies, calling out their odds on the championship fight mere moments away.

Into the dirt-floored ring steps Bruce Lee, stripped to the waist, and the crowd goes mad. Girding his forehead is a strip of black fabric torn from the outfit of Steven Seagal, whom he demolished in the semifinals. He gives a quick smile to his girlfriend -- the only blond American woman in the crowd, naturally -- and bows to the referee.

The din grows louder still with the arrival of his opponent. Jackie Chan won the fastest victory in the tournament to reach this match, catching Jean-Claude van Damme in the middle of a split with a move called "Enter the Scrotum". He winks at his girlfriend -- the only blond American woman in the crowd, naturally -- before bowing to his opponent.

The referee steps into the middle of the ring, chops his hand down hard, and gets out of the way. The ultimate martial arts battle has begun!

So Shane, which fu fighter's flying feet and furious fists flatten his foe?

Bruce Lee

vs.

Jackie Chan

The Commentary
Shane: This match is over before it begins. Literally. In Enter the Dragon, during one of Bruce Lee's self-guided tours of Han's island fortress, the alarm is sounded and an ungodly number of henchmen converge on him. One of them gets Lee in a bear hug, but Lee breaks his grip, then his neck. The hugger in question is Jackie Chan.

Bruce Lee wins, because he's already killed his opponent. That's it.

Really. I'm done. Well, I'm being paid to be here for another 59 minutes. I'm going to go read a book.

Bruce lee rips the book out of his hands, and throws it up in the air. in one hour a square piece of coal that looks similar to a book falls on shane's head

Shane: Ouch!

The other guy: OMG! a burnt book imaled your head

Shane: and worst of all, I'm still alive!!!

then Bruce Lee killed him with one snap

**Katanga** Fri 20 Jun 2008, 23:41

**funmaster** Sat 21 Jun 2008, 00:15

beradc54 Sat 21 Jun 2008, 12:03

YAY jackie chan!

**Katanga** Sat 21 Jun 2008, 23:12

**10art1** Tue 24 Jun 2008, 19:13

no, he's an antimatter bomb! (it takes a pint of antimatter to fly a rocket to space. just add matter! WARNING: rocket may explode due to the fact that all the energy is released at once